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Some boys have naturally effeminate traits, and struggle to gain society’s acceptance.
Some boys have naturally effeminate traits, and struggle to gain society's acceptance.
There is a constant voice in Kelvin Lim’s head reminding him at all times to sit up straight, not sway his hips when he walks, control the pitch of his voice, not squeal in delight or surprise. In short, to act like how a boy is supposed to.
He is conscious of his every gesture and movement, and is trying hard to contain any that might appear effeminate.
Kelvin wants to be a “normal” guy, and he is consumed with trying to be the son his parents want him to be. The 20-year-old student readily admits to being effeminate, or lelaki lembut, but he says he is “not as soft as before.”
“I don’t want my parents to disown me. It would be terrible to have two parents and both of them not wanting me. I don’t want them to stop calling me their son.
“My brother warns me that if I continue to be effeminate, or turn out to be a homosexual, it would break our father’s heart,” says Kelvin who first realised he was an embarrassment to his parents when a drunk uncle berated him for being effeminate at a family dinner when he was 14.
After many years of practice, Kelvin seems almost able to pull off the masculine act. But we knew Kelvin when he was a giddy, high-spirited 16-year-old cheerleader who was slightly effeminate. He admits that sometimes it is a strain to keep up appearances.
Kelvin has always been on the softer side. When he was younger, he used to wear his sister’s clothes, play with her Barbie dolls, put on his mother’s make-up and felt good doing them all.
“It didn’t feel like it was wrong for me to do all that. Not at all,” says Kelvin.
“The boys at school used to tease me for hanging out and gossiping with the girls, whom I felt more comfortable with. They also made fun of my ‘limp wrist’ or how I walked or squealed in delight when I got excited,” shares Kelvin.
His parents keep insisting that he should play other sports like football or basketball instead of being a cheerleader, and that he should be more “manly”. They also warn him that his effeminate tendencies will be frowned upon by society.
His parents’ warnings are not too far off the mark, as illustrated by the Terengganu education department’s recent move to organise a boot camp for 66 boys identified by their schools for displaying “feminine qualities”.
The department director Razali Daud said: “Some people end up as mak nyah (transsexual) or a homosexual, but we will do our best to limit the number.”
Effeminate boys like to indulge their feminine side.
But since the negative backlash from the public, Razali has clarified that the programme was aimed at boosting the self-confidence of students who are inactive in co-curricular and sports activities.
“We chose the students based on their lack of participation in sports and co-curricular activities and not based on effeminacy,” he stated.
Some people remain unconvinced of the boot camp’s aims.
“They are trying to play God,” says Sulastri Ariffin, the transsexual programme manager at PT Foundation, an NGO that provides support, education and counselling to transsexuals, drug users and sex workers.
Sulastri says that it is unfair and wrong for anyone to try and change the effeminate boys to fit with society’s norms.
“These boys need time to explore their feelings, and find out more about themselves, their gender identity and sexual identity.”
Sexual identity refers to one’s sexual attraction to people of the opposite sex, same sex or both sexes.
Gender identity, on the other hand, is described as a personal conception of oneself as male or female.
Fifteen-year-old Azri Abdul Razak was born with male genitalia, but he identifies himself as female. He likes to think of himself as a girl and does what girls do.
It is his parents, religion and society that are stopping him from doing anything more than wearing a long-haired wig once in a while.
Last month, his mother caught him wearing his sister’s clothes, and Azri doesn’t plan to attempt that anytime again soon.
The young boy, whose family recently moved to Kuala Lumpur from Tawau, Sabah, says that he realised how dominant his feminine side was very early on.
“I was maybe four or five when I started to think of myself as a girl. My parents didn’t like it, they still don’t, but can’t do anything about it as my elder brother is also effeminate,” reveals Azri, who also goes by his female name “Mariana Angelina Jolie Pretty Girl”.
Although he tries not to flaunt his effeminate side outside of school and home, it is hard not to notice his soft and feminine demeanour.
“I don’t want people to talk about me. Besides, I already feel guilty being the way I am,” he says.
Azri worries constantly about the conflict between being a Muslim and the sin of feeling feminine and being attracted to men. Azri is currently dating a boy from a different school, and no one in his family knows about it.
“I know it’s against my religion but I cannot help my feelings, though. I like boys, I feel like a girl and I like hanging out with girls. They like me for who I am and protect me,” he shares.
His best friend Ain Mohammad is one of the few girls who stand up for him when the taunting gets bad at school.
“I have to be honest. Sometimes it’s embarrasing to walk with him because all the kids would tease us. Usually I’ll defend him by yelling nasty things back at them, but don’t underestimate Azri. There was once he almost threw rocks at people who called him names. We had to stop him,” says Ain.
Azri adds that he tries not to let the taunts get to him, although sometimes it is hard not to get hurt by what people are saying.
Says Sulastri: “A boy at that age will have a lot of feelings. They will feel confused with what their parents, friends, teachers and society are saying. What they hear and what is expected of them, are not the same as what they feel inside. Feeling lonely and confused, the boys will suffer and suppress their true self.”
In his efforts to make his parents happy, Kelvin admits that he has “lost” himself somehow.
“I don’t think that I am being truly myself. If my parents were supportive of who I really am, I would still be effeminate and won’t be ashamed about it. More importantly, I would be happier,” he says.
Kelvin believes that one cannot force an effeminate boy to be tough, and boot camps like the one in Terengganu would only burden the kids more.
“The kids can pretend to be tough for the outside world but inside they would know that that is not who they want to be. I know that because my parents put me through that. Such attempts could be emotionally scarring, but fortunately for me, I came out okay because I had friends who supported me,” he notes.
Sulastri Ariffin (left) and Nisha of the PT Foundation, an organisation that provides support, education and counselling to transsexuals, drug users and sex workers.
Although Kelvin feels that his life would be different if his parents accepted his true self, he doesn’t harbour any ill feelings towards them.
“I know that they are just trying to protect me from a society that doesn’t accept effeminate men. Ideally, I would love to tell my parents how I really feel inside, how difficult it is to act differently from who I really am, but I don’t know if I’ll ever have the courage to tell them all that.”
Kelvin reveals his intention to leave the country once he completes his studies and go somewhere where he can be himself.
“I want to be financially stable and go to a place where they’ll accept me for who I really am. Maybe find a guy and settle down. These are not the things you can do here. It’s dangerous to be effeminate here. They don’t accept you,” he says.
All an effeminate man or a transsexual want from society is understanding and acceptance.
Says Nisha, a transsexual PT Foundation programme co-ordinator: “Society should let them be and not stigmatise them. If there is anything they want to do for these effeminate boys, it is to be more understanding of their situation. They should not be forced to be who they are not.”
She adds that religious talks, boot camps and tough activities would not change the effeminate boys into “macho” men.
“If people keep telling these boys that they must change, then they would start believing that there’s something wrong with them and may end up being self-destructive. These children need guidance. They are not sick, they are normal people.”
Finding one’s identity
A boy who is born effeminate and feels like a woman trapped in a man’s body will not change just because he is subjected to rough and tough activities, says the transsexual programme manager of the PT Foundation Sulastri Ariffin.
“I was effeminate as a child. I would dress in my mother’s clothes, wear a bra and stuff it with sponges and put on make-up. But I was also lasak (tough) as I played football, swam in the river, climbed trees and was like any other child my age. Those actitivies didn’t change me at all. I still felt like a woman inside,” says Sulastri, a transsexual.
A boy who is surrounded by other effeminate men does not make him a transsexual either.
Transsexualism is a biological condition, while a transsexual is a person whose physical sex organs are the opposite of the gender identity defining structures of the brain. Transsexuals should not be confused with transvestites, who are men who like to dress as women.
The author of The Mak Nyahs: Malaysian Male To Female Transsexuals, Professor Dr Teh Yik Koon, states that there are many common misconceptions on the existence of transsexuals.
“Many people think that boys who grow up in an all-female environment would end up being effeminate or transsexuals. Or that parents who wished for a daughter and therefore dressed their son in girls’ clothing would create transsexuals. That is not the case at all,” says Dr Teh, a professor of Sociology and Criminology at Universiti Pertahanan Nasional Malaysia.
Boys who grow up in such an environment may become soft or gentle later in life, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are effeminate or transsexuals.
“There are men who are gentle, those who would help their wives with the housework and speak softly and so on. Does that mean that they are all effeminate?” asks Dr Teh.
While many assume that all effeminate boys will surely grow into transsexuals in their adulthood, that is often not the case.
In his book Zucker: Manipulation Of Young Feminine Boys, Kenneth Zucker states that not all effeminate children would grow into transsexuals.
“In our series of ten primary transsexuals, nine showed no evidence of effeminacy in childhood. As far as we can make out, they did not engage in girls’ activities or play with girls any more than did normal boys. All ten of our primary transsexuals were socially withdrawn and spent most of their time after school by themselves at home. In effect, they were childhood loners. To summarise, then, in childhood, the primary transsexual is not effeminate, but he feels either abhorrence or discomfort in boyish activities.”
According to Dr Teh, there are also boys, who at a very young age identify themselves with the opposite gender.
“From my research, boys as young as three years old know that they are different from what they are born as and know who they really are. They are more comfortable being a female than a male,” she says. – Stories by Sharmila Nair
